Transcendence
by Drucilla Malfoy
Summary: Five years after her birthday party Bella still live her life in the shadows. Decisions and actions come about to change everything she believed possible.
1. Prologue

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing with regard to these characters or the background story.

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

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Prologue

I never imagined I would be this girl.

I know it will hurt both of them, all of them. Do I even care anymore? But it's not really my choice is it?

It never was.

Not really.

The pain is all I can feel now. This pain is different from anything I have ever felt. Its crimson form feels like a living creature devouring me. It's all consuming, beyond blinding and at the same time…somehow… purifying. It's the fire of creation. Destroying and renewing. And maybe, just maybe, I can emerge. Leave behind all this emotional pain and regret, the longing, the wondering, the guilt and the recrimination. Maybe I can become the phoenix. Emerge from theses eternal flames.

…new, clean, pure.

Maybe, through this, I can be free.

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	2. Chapter1

Transcendence

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything with regards to these characters

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September 15th.

Again.

The day that has every year has torn me open just as completely as that first day alone in the forest. At least over the last five years they have mostly learned to leave me alone. Seth is, honestly, the only one I can even tolerate today; He sits quietly at the table sketching in his notebook.

Today, more than any other, I hate this life, almost to the point of pure, utter resentment and loathing. The mundanity and the repetitiveness grate on what few nerves I have left. Who would have ever thought I would end up a housewife at 23? To the beta of pack of werewolves no less; The fall-back house mother to the pack.

Of course, Charlie and Billy had both been thrilled when I accepted Jake's proposal. He my best friend: the first person to actually get through to me after…

And anyway, what else was Juliet supposed to do when Romeo dumped her ass? Paris was standing there with a ring. Sweet, kind, understanding, best friend Paris. Paris who knew Juliet was broken, incapable of ever being repaired. Paris who knew Juliet would never be capable of loving him the way she'd loved Romeo. Paris who loved her even though she could never give him her heart.

Even though Romeo had taken her heart with him.

We were married the week after Jacob graduated from high school. Amid all the excitement- well, Jacob's excitement- Billy never mentioned he was sick.

Six months after the wedding he slipped away from us forever.

Soon after, we moved into the house Jacob had grown up in. It was so long before he stopped imagining the ghost of his father, making the home a living homage to his memory. The day I came home from the store and Jacob was tearing out the wheelchair ramp I knew he had finally made his peace.

Charlie married Sue Clearwater ultimately. In my fog, I had never even noticed them growing closer in the wake of Harry's and then Billy's deaths.

That, of course, that meant Seth and Leah were now my step siblings. Which was awkward. Not so much awkwardness from Seth, but I knew not even becoming family would ever be enough to encourage friendship between me and Leah.

Time passed so fast.

There were moments that were still unbearable. It felt like the very split-second Jacob slipped that ring on my finger all the joy and sunlight he brought back into my life faded. I recoiled back into the twilight that had filled my life since _they_ left. Maybe it was the just the finality of that, the final acceptance that everything I had hoped for was officially gone.

Juliet had settled for Paris and Romeo would never be back…

"Bella?" Seth's voice, tinged with worry, broke through my reverie.

"Yeah?" I answered, barely recognizing my own raw voice.

"Are you okay? You just sort of…froze."

"As okay as I'm going to be."

He just nodded and went back to his sketches. Seth reminded me of Charlie sometimes. He didn't hover. Or he did, but was so unobtrusive and easily ignored that I didn't notice.

This day always brought out the worst in Jake: He would whine about filthy bloodsuckers and I would still be defensive of my former almost-family and we would fight. So he avoided me. Not so much even avoided; I knew as I looked out the window he was out there in the trees watching in his wolf form.

The rest of the pack, with the exception of Seth, annoyed me on a good day. Things had been so… good in the beginning. I adored each and every one of them. They all were like the siblings Renee had never given me but, over time things changed. The further I descended into my grey abyss the less and less tolerant they became with my moods and the less tolerant I became with their… immaturity, I guess. Maybe there was something about the fact that, at least for a while, they were essentially immortal that made them such eternal teenagers. Maybe I was just jealous that as long as they phased they would never change and I would age.

Just like _he_ wanted for me.

I simply didn't understand how Emily could look at the group of rambunctious wolves like playful little brothers.

And it didn't help that, since I was married to the pack beta I was the one they were supposed to come to for human help when Emily wasn't available.

Maybe my lack of tolerance was the ultimate sign that Jake had never actually imprinted on me. That he had simply wanted to believe that he had so much that he started believing it. I know _I_ didn't believe it. I knew the rest of the pack didn't either.

"I'm going for a drive." I tossed the dish towel on the counter and grabbed my keys.

"Figured." Seth sighed and flung his notebook toward the bookcase in the other room, following me out the door. He climbed into the passenger side of my rickety truck. He already knew where we were going. He knew the route as well as I did after all these trips.

There was only one real condition to Seth's babysitting: I asked that he stay human the whole time. I didn't want Jacob to have the live play-by-play of my actions and decisions. I knew he wouldn't speak again until we returned to La Push. It wasn't a condition, just a habit.

Seth sighed again and shuddered unconsciously as we crossed the border into forbidden territory but remained silent. I think every single time I drove to their house over that last summer I missed the slight opening in the tree line that marked the turn off onto the long drive. It was almost ironic, that now they were absent, I never missed the turn off anymore. The tears came, as they always did, as I drove down the long overgrown drive. The tall white house still loomed there, stately, cold and unchanged by the passage of time.

_Just like them,_ a treacherous voice in my head whispered.

I parked the truck and got out, collapsing to my knees and slumping onto the grass. For just a moment I looked into the mocking façade of the building before the wrenching sobs overtook me. My grief became my world, blocking out everything around me. The universe could have ended and I still would have been sitting there letting my heart rend itself over and over.

All too soon I felt Seth's warm arms lifting me from the frosty ground and carrying me back to the truck. I hadn't even realized hours had passed and the bright moon hung high in the pitch black sky. He drove us back to the house, still my silent guardian. I was vaguely aware him handing the key off to Jacob with a look and then disappearing. My tears started anew as my husband's scalding arms lifted me from the vehicle.

_It wasn't supposed to be this way_, was all I could think as exhaustion finally claimed me.

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Comments, Criticisms??


	3. Chapter 2

Transcendence

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Thanks to my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. She's pretty awesome. And BTW, does anyone else think Kristen Stewart might actually have done even worse in New moon than Twilight? Just saying. Also, I may now be team Jacob purely for aesthetic reasons.

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I was sweating when I woke.

I always was; even with the windows open I sweltered.

Jacob's arm was tossed across my waist – I should have known better than to expect him to give me more than a day of mourning for my Romeo. The gaping wound was fresh again, just like every year before.

I shifted his arm and escaped to the cool kitchen. I just stood and looked out the window. Yet another dreary day stretched out from my window, the low fog hiding and obscuring the bleak, universally green landscape.

"Are you making breakfast?" he called lazily from the bedroom.

I huffed and glowered in his general direction but started cooking anyway. This was my life: cook breakfast, clean up, cook lunch, clean up, cook dinner for half the pack, clean up, pass out. Constant and repetitive. I had never been any great genius but I couldn't escape the thought that I could have been more than this.

I sighed into the sizzling pan of eggs. I suppose I would never know. My heart sank even further when his arms wrapped around my waist; he nuzzled my neck before resting his chin gently on my shoulder.

"You okay?" His voice certainly had a tone that showed genuine concern.

I nodded but didn't speak.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Jake. I'm Ok." I forced out with a sigh.

He didn't believe it any more than I did. Jake pulled away and threw himself into a chair. "Why do you still waste your tears on those damn leeches?" he demanded.

"Don't start it, Jacob." I warned, flinging the eggs down on his plate with a little more force than strictly necessary. He pulled his hand back with a low hiss when the hot grease splattered him.

"It's been five years, Bella – they're never coming back."

I knew, every single year, it hurt Jacob that I still mourned for him.

Did he honestly think I had control over this? That I chose to be heart-breakingly miserable?

"I can't deal with you today." I threw the pan in the sink and stomped back to our bedroom to dress quickly.

"Bella?" he called, suddenly apologetic. "Dammit Bells, I'm sorry. I just…" He was right outside the door. "I just hate seeing you like this."

"I know." His repentant eyes bored into mine when I opened the door. His body blocked the door, towering over me as he leaned on his outstreached arms against the frame. The proximity was simply too much for me and I ducked under his arm, escaping to search for my things.

"I'm just… I just need to get out for a while. There's lasagna in the fridge for lunch. I'll be back for dinner."

He watched me grab my keys and wallet and head for the door. "Bella," he called pleadingly, "if you're going back_ there,_ at least take Seth."

His face was so sad when I looked back.

"I'm just going to Charlie's and maybe the grocery store." I whispered, just loud enough for his keen ears to here, and I was gone.

"I love you." He called as I all but ran out the door. That moment the words sounded more like a last desperate attempt for forgiveness than anything else.

I pretended not to hear.

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Comments???


	4. Chapter 3

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just playing with them for a bit.

A/N: As always, so much thanks to my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent.

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Chapter 3

"Is there a specific reason you're hiding out from your husband here?"

I honestly did feel bad for crashing Charlie's vacation.

Thankfully, Sue was gone – she and Leah were off visiting family for the day. The pair were, by far, the least tolerant of my moods; they shared the opinion that Jake should dump me and find someone that 'deserved and appreciated him'. There were few positives that I could see to my father's marriage. Sue _did_ take care of him- I suppose… and I got Seth as a step-brother.

I looked up at him from my slouch on the sofa. "I'll be gone before Sue and her spawn get back."

"Bella."

"I know, I know -I'm sorry." I raised my hands at his glare. "I really am. I just needed to get out of that house."

He sighed, heavily. Charlie was more tense than usual. He scowled at the TV and kept clenching and unclenching his fists. It wasn't anger. I could tell that much.

"Just say it, Dad. I'm a big girl now, I can take it." The worlds came out much more clipped and sarcastic than they had sounded in my head.

"I've just been…" he sighed again, frustrated. "Do you regret marrying Jake?" he asked, carefully, tentatively. My father's eyes were so sad as he said those words.

"Dad… I–"

"I … I never should have pushed you to do it. It just… it seemed like he was so good for you," he said, his voice heavy with regret, adding as an afterthought, "at the time."

"Dad, don't say that," I smiled weakly. "I'm not unhappy, I'm just… stressed." As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were a lie.

So did Charlie; I really was the worst liar in the world.

"You're like a zombie, Bella. You're barely better than you were right after…." He faltered a bit at the end recalling my vague catatonia.

"Zombies don't fight with their husbands." I pointed out, tartly.

"You know what I mean, Isabella."

"Yeah… I do."

Charlie gave me an awkward look, as if he was trying to work himself up to something and stood. He went to the small kitchen. He returned quickly and handed me a small, stiff piece of paper. "Just… hang on to this…"

The business card was heavy in my hands. "What is this, Dad?"

"A lawyer in Port Angeles," he said gently, "If you decide you need it. I already talked to him for you, about your… situation. I'll pay the retainer if you decide to…"

"You don't have to do this." I was in shock, but my voice sounded completely lifeless.

"Yeah, I do. I encouraged you, and now you're miserable."

"Does Sue know?"

He shrugged awkwardly. She knew.

I turned the little card over in my hands. "I'll let you know, Dad. I haven't decided anything yet."

"No hurry or anything." He paused, searching my face. "Listen Bella; don't hang on to something that isn't there because you think it's what I would want, or you think you'll disappoint anyone or anything. You need to be _happy._" He studied me, sadly. "I just need you to know you have options."

That was the end of the conversation.

When the second football game started I retreated to my ancient truck and headed for the store; my thoughts kept coming back to the rectangle of cardstock, burning an invisible hole in my pocket.

Leaving Jacob had never occurred to me before but, suddenly, a lot of things made sense. For ages Charlie had worn the strangest look when Jake was around and Renee's recent phone calls had a whole new context – she had been calling more and more often. The calls always ended with her reminding me that if I ever needed a place to live I should come to Florida. She would even send me the ticket.

Then I knew.

They were all in on this.

Charlie, Sue, Renee, Phil, all of them. Seth probably even knew.

It felt like I was walking in a haze as I shopped and then drove toward home. The drive back to La Push seemed to take forever as the thoughts swirled in my head. From nowhere, it seemed, I was rumbling down that too familiar, shadowed, green, overgrown drive; I hadn't even made a decision to come this way.

I didn't cry today. The white house was just as silent, just as dead as it was the day before. A plan was developing in my head.

I still hadn't decided whether I would actually go through with it or not, but I knew what I would do if I did decide. Charlie would let me stay with him while I made arrangements. I could apply to college in Florida, stay with Renee until I got a job, got on my feet. I could leave all the green and cloud and rain. Run and never look back.

"As if I never existed," I whispered to myself. The echo of his words from so many years ago irritated the still-gaping wound, but somehow I was able to stay coherent. In that moment I knew why I was there.

I needed to see it.

Really and truly see it.

The desolate emptiness in the house, the utter absence of anything representing the family I had once so longed to be a part of.

Now I knew. As long as I stayed in Forks, I would never be free of the specter of Edward Cullen. His voice, his face would haunt my dreams, my memories, my very soul. The yearning I'd had to join him in eternity would taint every second of my life here: I would never be capable of being happy.

But I had to try.

I had to go home and see if there was anything left to salvage with Jacob. I returned to the truck and drove away, leaving that part of me behind.

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Comment???


	5. Chapter 4

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

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Chapter 4

Our tiny house was silent as I pulled up and lifted the grocery bags from the passenger seat. The usual light misty drizzle was picking up to a true rain and the small leaky awning over the front door provided just enough cover as I unlocked the house. I offhandedly made a mental note to remind Jake to oil the hinges as their loud creak welcomed me into the cold, silent house.

There was a note waiting for me on the table.

_Sorry about this morning. It just annoys me that he still upsets you. But I know_

_ I upset you more when I start that shit._

_So sorry._

_ Out wolfing- might be late for dinner._

He must have felt bad to leave me a note.

I started making enchiladas as the rain began to fall. Once everything was in the oven there was little to do – the dishes all washed and put away were further proof of Jacob's regret – so I went out on our little covered porch and sat on the bench watching the rain. My head began to feel heavy and I pulled my knees to my chest and began to drift to the sound of the rain…

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I jumped awake suddenly.

A blazing arm wrapped around me, stopping me from falling. It was dark out; I had no idea how long I'd been asleep.

"Oh!" I tried to push off Jacob's are to rush into the kitchen, suddenly remembering the food in the oven.

"I already took it out." Jacob's voice was quiet beside me. "I didn't want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful."

I slumped back against his warm body.

Peaceful. Right.

The dream had come up intermittently through the years, but it was different this time from all the times before. I was always lost in the forest; wandering, stumbling through the darkness aimlessly until I came to the meadow.

_The_ Meadow.

He was always there. Perfect, unchanging. His flawless marble skin glinting, shooting faint rainbows.

"Why are you running, Bella?" he asked in his gentle, velvety voice.

But I couldn't speak, couldn't make a sound.

But this time Jacob was with him, watching me with accusing eyes. The darkness began to descend like a living creature, devouring me, consuming my universe...

"You okay, Bells?" Jacob sounded worried again.

"Yeah, I just…"

"Yeah." He almost sighed.

There was an awkward silence between us.

"Are you hungry?" I asked standing quickly.

"Nah, I'm fine." He shook his head and studied his large, callused hands. It was a habit I knew he always did when he was worried about something but not sure how to give his concern in words.

His stomach grumbled, testifying against him.

I couldn't help but smile at his weak attempt; Jacob was always hungry. He took the hand I offered back to him.

As if he would need my help.

Jacob smiled, though, and took my hand anyway, almost dislocating my shoulder as he pulled.

I groaned and grabbed my arm in, mostly, exaggerated false pain. His worry seemed to dissipate at the idea that I would joke about his overabundant strength. "Silly little human," he whispered dropping a kiss on the top of my head before holding the outside kitchen door open.

I could never bring myself to tell Jacob how that particular epithet pulled at the wound in my chest. Emmett had taken to calling me that the summer before…

I'd never mentioned it to him any time before and today wouldn't be any different. It would only send him back into a mood and I had bigger things to worry about now.

Jacob, it seemed, assumed everything was back to normal. He sat at the table talking about his day as I re-heated the food. I only half listened to him.

He went into detail about the car he was working on out back – Jake had developed a tidy business fixing and rebuilding cars. He then went into the details of his meeting with Sam and the subsequent patrol. Honestly, there was nothing to report on that front. There never really was. The vampires were gone so there wasn't exactly a resident threat and they hadn't even had an attempt on my life from Victoria in almost 4 years. It seemed without the Cullens to torture, my death and her vengeance weren't worth the hassle of fighting a pack of werewolves.

He only stopped talking when I put his plate in front of him: nope, Jake had no idea that I still felt any kind of sadness at all.

I ate standing by the counter still mulling over everything that had happened today.

"So, how's Charlie?" Jake asked, around his mouth full of food.

"He's fine." The answer came automatically. "He has the week off. Sue was out of town with Leah…"

There was a tentative knock on the door.

"Yeah, Seth," I called. Of the few pack members that actually came to our house, Seth was the only one who knocked. He peeked in, quickly entered, and closed the door behind him.

"Bella, you know you need to tell me when you cook Mexican. I could smell it all the way down at the beach – I almost died on the way up here!"

"So why don't you run up to Forks and bug your mother for food?" Jake glared at him.

"She and Leah are gone for the night." He explained almost pitifully. There was a definite hint of worry that Jacob may order him away and he would have to fend for himself for the night. Which, more likely than not, would mean phasing and hunting deer.

"Help yourself, Seth." I gestured to the half empty pan.

He grinned and grabbed a plate from the cupboard.

Jacob grumbled quietly. He wasn't annoyed to have Seth there, not really. He could easily have ordered Seth not to touch his food, though he knew how much it upset me when he used his authority stupidly. He had just been hoping for leftovers for tomorrow, but it was a minor annoyance...

Then it hit me.

This was pretty close to Jacob's view of perfect. All that was missing was the baby on my hip.

A piece of my mind began to hyperventilate – this isn't what I wanted. I loved Seth – I even still loved Jake, as a friend, at least – but that wasn't enough. I knew what I needed to do. I had to follow through with my plan.

Even if it meant losing Jake as my friend, losing Seth as my brother.

If I didn't do this now, I would never get out.

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Comments??


	6. Chapter 5

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just borrowing the characters for a bit.

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

* * *

Chapter 5

"Bella?"

I ignored Jacob's voice whispering in my ear.

All I could concentrate on was the idea that I was going to leave him today, break his heart. The sunlight was nauseatingly warm on my skin trickling through the windows.

"Isabella?"

My eyes finally cracked open.

"We're running south today. Sam heard about some hikers getting killed just south of here. Paul, Embry and I are gonna check it out." There was a cautious excitement in his voice. It had been months since they had been given a chance to really track anything. There was still an air of worry around him. There had been since the night I made my decision. It was almost as though he sensed what was about to happen or at least that something was about to happen.

"Be careful." I whispered, burying my head in the pillows. I was terrified that if I looked into his eyes he would see everything. He would know everything I was planning.

He laughed. "Maybe if we're lucky we might get to track a leech. I probably won't be home till late." He bent and kissed my cheek. The kiss was tainted with his worry. He sensed something was up. He knew me better than anyone; he had to know something was wrong. When I didn't react he simply left, running the back of his hand across my shoulder in one last parting gesture. I would likely never feel his touch or his kiss again and I didn't even have the guts to tell him good bye.

This would be far easier for me than it had any right to be. Maybe it would be better that I wouldn't have to face him.

The long moments I waited to make sure he was gone seemed to drag on; this must be how it feels to wait for execution.

When I finally emerged from our room, I went straight for the phone – there were half a dozen rings before Charlie grumpily answered the phone. "Hello?" His voice was still heavy with sleep.

"Umm…Dad?"

"What's wrong, Bella?" His tone shifted from annoyance to concern in seconds.

"Well… Remember that…thing from a while ago?"

"Yeah." The concern in Charlie's voice had dialled down from worry over imminent bodily danger to emotional nightmare. Which were just far enough apart to him to make his voice sound obviously more relaxed.

"I was wondering…" I paused, taking a deep breath before I spoke again. "Could I stay with you for a little while? I mean just until I get everything… arranged." "Of course, Bells. As long as you need a place you have one here. Did you call that lawyer yet?" He had shifted into this unfamiliar mode that I could only think to label as fatherliness.

"As soon as I hang up with you. I'll be over later."

"Is Jacob home?" His voice sounded less like my father and more like the police officer for a moment. Of course he would think to be worried about that.

"No. Anyway you know his control..."

"I know." He cut me off. "Usually he's perfect but he's never been through this before. It can make a guy... crazy."

I supposed even in our little town Charlie had seen enough domestic disputes to jump to concern. There had been a slight trickle of worry since the day he first found out about the big secret.

When he asked me and Jake to bring Billy up for a 4th of July cookout none of us thought anything of it. Jacob and I had only been married about a month, Billy was his best friend, it all made perfect sense. We had no idea he'd decided that was the perfect place to inform us he and Sue Clearwater were dating. It was a small consolation that Seth and Leah were just as surprised as we were. Despite the unexpectedness, the afternoon had been going well. That was until Seth felt comfortable enough to try to set Leah's hair on fire with a bottle rocket.

Of course, she phased immediately and lunged at him. Which, in return, made Seth phase and take off into the woods, Leah close at his heels. Sue sighed angrily at her children and set about righting the mess they had made of the yard. Jacob shook his head, slipped off his tennis shoes and tossed me his t-shirt before taking off after them. Billy just laughed absently and we all forgot my father, standing in shock. His beer had fallen from his hand and he stared into the break in the forest their large bodies had made. Seeing his reaction had only made Billy laugh harder.

"They just..." he finally whispered.

"Come on, give an old man a push." Billy asked him. Charlie obeyed and the two were gone for what seemed like hours.

The two troublemakers were sitting side by side in the extra clothes Jacob kept in my truck for emergencies when they returned. Seth jumped up to beg forgiveness – and try to blame Leah – but Charlie held up his hand.

"So you're all...?" he gestured to the three wolves. They all nodded quietly.

"How long have you known about it?" he looked toward me.

"My senior year." I answered quietly.

Charlie just shook his head and got himself and Billy another drink.

I was surprised how well he took everything but the worry over Jacob's control had never really left him.

"I know Dad. And I know this will... But Jake would never..."

"It's Ok, Bella. Just at least leave him a note or something. He deserves that much."

"I was going to." Deep down I still hoped there was some way that he and I might come out of this friends. It was an irrational thought, I knew. He had saved me, given me everything. And here I was, throwing it back in his face.

"Ok, well… See you in a bit." Charlie tried to sound relaxed but I could hear the tension hanging in his voice.

"Yeah." I disconnected and stared at the business card in my hand. I pulled in a deep breath and dialled. The phone was answered after the first ring.

"Michael W. Rybarcyzk, Attorney at Law. This is Courtney speaking, how may I help you?" The receptionist answered with practiced decorum.

"Um… Hi. My father said he had spoken with Mr. Rybarcyzk about my situation. My name is Bella Black.

"Well…" there was the sound of shuffling papers. "Yes, we have your file started. When would you like to come in?"

"As soon as possible." The words came out rushed. I was afraid if I waited I would lose my nerve.

"I can get you in at 10AM today."

"Perfect."

She proceeded to give me directions to the office.

It was all too easy.

I went back to the bedroom and packed my clothes into a large duffel bag. It was such a haphazard task. I just grabbed whatever was mostly clean and threw it in the bag. The need to be out of the house was quickly becoming something like a mania. I was suddenly desperate to be away from the tiny house in La Push. I had never felt anything like this in my life. My misery and desperation was beginning to mix with something I had no way of putting into words.

When I was dressed and my bag was in the truck I came back in and sat at the table and stared at the piece of paper. There were so many things I wanted to say, needed to say. Things he needed to know. As soon as I put the pen to the page the words seemed to just flow out.

_ Jacob, _

_ I think you know as well as I do where we are. We're both miserable, Jake. We've been pretending things between us are okay for a long time. We aren't even really friends anymore. I miss you being my friend and I think this is the only thing I can do to get that back. _

_The very fact that I'm thinking of this should be enough to prove to you that you were wrong about the imprinting._

_I love you, Jake. Just not like that. I never did._

_I thought it would be enough but I was wrong. _

_You have no idea how hard it is for me to leave. It tears me up because I know that this will hurt you. I just hope maybe someday you can forgive me enough to be my friend again. _

_I'm staying at Charlie's so don't worry about me. _

_I never meant for this to happen,_

_ Bella_

I folded the note quickly and sealed it in the envelope with my engagement and wedding rings. I placed it in the center of the table and ran from the house.

Safely obscured in the cab of the truck I stopped and let out the heavy breath I had been holding. I gave the tiny red house one last look over my shoulder before turning over the engine and driving away.

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Reviews??


	7. Chapter 6

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

* * *

Chapter 6

Charlie was waiting in the kitchen for me when I arrived. He took the bag of clothes from me and tossed it on the floor before pulling me into a tight hug. He was obviously worried about how I was holding up under everything. The truth was my head was clearer than it had been in years. I told him about my appointment and promised we would talk about everything when I got back; he offered to drive me up to Port Angeles but I refused. This was something I needed to do on my own.

Now, pulling into the parking lot of the nondescript building, I realized that this might actually be the most parental I could remember Charlie acting towards me.

The receptionist, who I assumed must be Courtney, was pleasant enough; she quickly ushered me into the understated office. And Michael Rybarcyzk was hardly a stereotypical lawyer. He was just, for lack of a better description, nice: Sympathetic and very patient. There was just this unobtrusive professional confidence exuding from him. It seemed he had handled my father's end of my parents' divorce and they often ran into each other on the way out to go fishing. I let him know exactly how clueless I was with this whole thing and he explained all the legal details to me completely.

My case it seemed was extraordinarily cut and dry – the fact there were no children made the process easier. And the fact that I honestly didn't want anything would help things along. The one possession I wanted was my truck, which was a moot point since we had never actually taken it out of Charlie's name. The only thing I was adamant about – that I wanted handled quickly – was changing my name back to Swan. Even that, it seemed, would be easier than I had anticipated.

The lawyer would have all the paperwork filed in a few days. Jake would be served by the end of the week. He didn't anticipate the entire proceeding taking more than six or eight months – it would be just in time to get settled in Florida before the fall semester started.

I couldn't believe that in such a short time I would leave Forks, leave Washington altogether, behind forever…

My mind wandered as I drove home. The swirling mass of thoughts kept coming back to one thing. I couldn't help but think about Jacob – what would he think when he found the note? Suddenly, I was completely disgusted with myself.

I did this to him. I did. Everything that happened from here on was no one's doing but my own.

I parked the car in the drive and just sat there, staring blankly ahead, waiting for my thoughts to settle. I'd done it. I had actually done it. I had officially left Jacob Black. We were now legally separated. I was completely overwhelmed…

I jumped when there was a light knock on the window.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie asked through the glass. His eyebrows were furrowed and he just frowned at me. He was worried again. I realized I had no idea how long I had been sitting there – it must have been a while for Charlie to come out to check on me.

The awkward silence, with Charlie just standing there watching me, worry written across his face, was beginning to suffocate me.

I pushed open the door welcoming the cooling rush of air. "I'm fine, Dad. I just needed a second to breathe."

He nodded, unconvinced. "Did everything go…?"

"It was fine. He's filing all the paperwork. You know all that… stuff."

"Well… do you want to…?" He was trying, he really was. He just had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

The idea of my father actually acting like a father was such a jarring concept. It was just one more change that I needed to deal with. Somehow I was beginning to doubt whether or not I was capable of that. "I think I just need to be alone for a while. I should probably call Mom later." He just nodded and watched me enter the house. I had no idea where she was but I was just glad that Sue wasn't home.

I sat on the bed in my old room. There were so many memories trapped in these walls, bottled up. Memories of Jacob inevitably swirled with memories of _him_. I became even more disgusted with myself at that.

I had broken Jacob's heart and I was still thinking about Edward. The tears fell as my memory began to separate the thoughts the two loves of my life. I had avoided my memories of Edward for so long. Now they reared up, aligning themselves with my memories of Jacob, daring me to compare the men.

But how could I do that? They were complete opposites.

Light and dark.

Fire and ice.

My life with Jake had, now and then, had many good points. It would be a lie to say it had been all bad. With Edward however… The betrayal and abandonment outweighed all the good memories. They still tore at me. Jacob had tried so hard to fix my wounds. But he had failed. There was no way he ever wouldn't have failed.

Eventually, the tears subsided and I simply sat on the bed feeling miserable.

Charlie knocked lightly before he entered I don't even know how much later. "Um… Sue's got dinner if you want some."

"That's okay. I'm not hungry." I was proud my voice didn't sound too raw. The idea of food wasn't even a little appealing. I liked the idea of facing Sue even less.

He nodded but lingered. I knew what he was waiting for. I'd heard the phone ring earlier; I should have known Jacob would call as soon as he got home.

"What did he…?"

"He's upset." That was Charlie's only answer. "He was worried."

I nodded. What did I honestly expect? My self-loathing was back stronger than ever.

Charlie slipped away, leaving me to my thoughts. Time passed, and I could hear them moving about downstairs. It seemed life for everyone else went on, even when I wondered if mine ever would. But I should have learned that when I was eighteen…

Finally, stiffness began to set in and I felt the need to move. I checked the hall and almost tiptoed the bathroom; I didn't want to be caught. I couldn't face speaking to anyone right now. The hot shower helped my mood marginally. I was starting to feel more sure of my decisions. The omnipresent sadness was still there just as it had been for the last five years. Now, despite my relapse earlier in the day, it was starting to recede back into the background of my mind. Back in the room, I looked, yet again cataloguing the remnants of my teenhoood. I had only spent a little over three years living in this room, if ignored the time before Renee left Charlie.

And yet…

My entire adult life was defined by what had happened to me living in these four walls. If I had never come here…

I shook away my morbid thoughts and looked at the clock. It was very late. Charlie and Sue had long gone to bed. Standing in my silent room, in the silent house I felt the unavoidable urge to go to the window.

The moon hung heavy and low in the sky. Just looking I could tell it was a cold night. There would likely be a coating of frost in the morning. My eyes drifted to the tree line. The low branches shifted and the gigantic red-brown wolf emerged from the forest.

I suppose, deep down, I knew Jacob would come. He would need to at least see me. His face looked up and stared directly at my window. I could see the wet lines of tears in his fur. His eyes pierced into mine. There was so much heartbreak just radiating off him. Every movement spoke of his pain and after only a moment I couldn't bear it anymore. The absolute anguish, even visible in his non-human form, was infectious. I felt the pain I had believed I was almost past rise up and threaten to over take me.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered before I turned and threw myself back on to the bed.

I knew he heard my voice and before long I heard the distant plaintive wolf's howl break the night. The sounds mixed with my sobs, overpowering everything else in my head and soon my world disappeared.

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	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Thanks to my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. She's pretty awesome.

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It was over a month before I heard anything really substantial from my lawyer again.

Jacob hadn't returned since that first night, though more than once I heard his tortured howls break through the otherwise silent darkness. I stayed in my room mostly, miserable but progressively less miserable each day. Most of the time I would just read; Renee had been sending and e-mailing me information about college programs in Florida. It seemed like that would be my most likely option.

Seth was the only one from La Push that chose to visit me. He would come to the house and interrupt my self-imposed solitude. He would sit on the floor, leaning against the side of my desk or sprawl across the foot of the bed forcing me – by the simple proximity of his over-grown limbs – to stop moping and pay attention to him. Sometimes he would sketch; sometimes we would just talk about nothing. He simply kept me company and I appreciated it more than I ever imagined I would. Just by him being there, I was reassured that I would at least get to keep Seth in my life. I knew there would be consequences for leaving the pack the way I had, but if no longer being able to see Seth had been one of them I wasn't sure I would have ever been able to cope.

It was a Friday when the receptionist called and said my name change had gone through. That was the first moment since I'd returned from that first meeting that I didn't feel the crushing regret for hurting Jake. A new feeling was starting in me; something hopeful, something altogether new for me.

Charlie, off for the afternoon, was in kitchen cleaning out his sidearm when I announced I was headed up to get a new driver's license. He grunted in response but I saw the hint of smile as I went out the door. He tried to hide his feelings of worry for me about the whole thing; Charlie was so transparent though, he always wore his emotions, unabashedly, on his sleeves. It was reassuring to know he would begin to feel better. Of course, if asked, he would never openly admit anything. But that slight smile on my father's face told me enough.

It would have been far easier to go the license bureau in Forks but I was already the juiciest piece of gossip in town – there really was no point is giving anyone anything else to talk about. I had a nauseating feeling that the news of my name change back to Swan would be the hottest piece they'd had in weeks.

One hour away, the Port Angeles office was quiet and within fifteen minutes it was done: I finally felt like I was officially Bella Swan again.

I stopped and picked some lunch up for Charlie on my way back.

Somehow, I felt like a different person on the drive to Forks. Lighter somehow – it was an almost giddy feeling. Maybe I really could just pick up my life before I ever came here; pretend I moved to Jacksonville with Renee and Phil when I was 17. I could go to college, perhaps meet someone and maybe even marry again…

_No._ My thoughts halted.

Not that, never that.

That part of me was gone forever. The part of me that was even capable of loving someone enough for that was irrefutably gone. This farce with Jacob had proven that to me. If I had still been capable of that, it would have been with Jacob, but that part had been taken from me by my vampire Romeo, who thought he knew how my life should turn out.

Suddenly, in that single, crystallizing moment, I was furious. For the first time in all these years absolutely, all-consumingly enraged.

How _dare_ he?

_How fucking dare he?_ How dare he try to decide my life? It was _my life._

_I'm_ the only one who gets to decide what's right for me – I'm the only one who _can_ make those decisions. What the _hell_ gave him the right to take my decisions away?

_Pay attention to the road, Bella_

My heart slammed to a stop for just a millisecond. I could feel the blood rush from my limbs and the cold take its place. I skirted the center line and passed the oncoming car with a wail of horns as I swerved and centered myself in the lane.

That voice.

That_ damn _voice.

Anytime anything was ever a little risky, that damn voice was in the back of my head, mocking me, reprimanding me like a spoilt child.

"Just shut up." I spat. I hated to admit to myself that I did pay more attention to my driving after that. There was a significant portion of me that wanted to go, the moment I finally left Forks, and find some vampire to turn me so I could spend the next century hunting down the owner of that godforsaken, velvet voice and prove just how wrong he was about everything. I would spend the rest of eternity yelling at him the way his arrogant voice had reprimanded me these past years. At least the voice in my head had no comment for _that_. I was so focused on my new found rage I didn't even notice the extra car in the drive until I walked into it on my way to the house.

The sleek, black Mercedes, like some sort of ghoulish phantom from my nightmares.

It couldn't be the same. This had to be some sort of strange coincidence, some karmic payback for all of my hate filled thoughts on the drive home. They couldn't be back. My life was just falling back into place; I had finally figured a solution to all the strife their departure had caused. This couldn't happen to me now.

I stormed up to the house hoping the fury I had evoked would be enough to carry me through this.

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	9. Chapter 8

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

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Chapter 8

The glass rattled as I yanked to door closed behind me. I threw the bag in my hands on the counter as I stormed through the small kitchen toward the living room and there they were.

Sitting, chatting with Charlie, without a care in the world. They must have been attempting to emulate the passage time but Alice and Esme only looked marginally older with their hair styled differently and I was struck by the absurdity of anyone believing they aged at all. Other than me, had anyone in town even known them well enough to notice?

Everyone in the room froze. Charlie was like a deer in the headlights, shock still as his brain struggled to come to some sort of decisions on how he should broach this situation given my childish displays of anger. But I wasn't focused on him. They were the centre of my ire. Esme just seemed so... sad, regretful maybe. I was far from the teen girl she had last seen. And then Alice... She had been my best friend once. The first best friend I had ever really had and she had abandoned me. Not so much as an email for 5 years. She radiated regret. It seeped from every ounce of her being.

Charlie snapped into action and spoke to me as he stood. "Bella, we were waiting for you."

I cut him off with a wave of my hand – I couldn't deal with this.

All of the resentment I had counted on to carry me through the encounter had dissolved when I saw their sad, golden eyes. I could feel the tears beginning escape. The darkness and misery were beginning to well up and I knew my attempted ruse was over.

I needed to leave, to run away. I re-traced my path and burst out of the house. My feet couldn't move fast enough as I crossed the yard and followed the all too familiar path into the woods.

There was no sense of distance or time when I finally collapsed to my knees and let the sorrow wash over me. I wanted to loath them; I wanted to accuse them, to blame them for leaving me behind. I wrapped my arms around my torso as my tears finally escaped.

All I wanted in the world, at that moment, was the ability to hate them; I wanted to be able to hate them as much as I was starting to hate _him_. I had almost talked myself into believing that my latent anger would give me that relief.

But actually seeing them, my resolve faltered. Seeing their perfect faces all I could think of was the last time I had been with them. I still wished I could isolate all the good memories of that night from the painful ones. Alice, so excited and pleased with her planning; Esme, sweet and kind and loving…_this wasn't fair._ Was this the price for hurting Jake? Is this what happen to someone who left the tribe after they knew the secret? The one thing they wanted most and feared more than anything would be forced into their lives, reeking havoc.

There was the sound of footsteps behind me.

"Oh Bella…" Alice whispered.

I couldn't force my head to turn toward her. Her voice, so expressive, carried such a profound sadness. I would never have believed her capable of carrying such a heart wrenching sound.

I _had_ to be angry – I _had _to hold on to that, pull it forward and cast it out. My rage had to become a talisman to ward off the creatures of the night…

"If I had known…" Her voice broke for just a moment. "Bella, I should have come back! I should have come the first time your future disappeared…. but then it appeared again and I thought it was just the distance or something and it kept fading in and out but it seems the werewolves…" she stopped suddenly. "I should have come back. When we… when he heard you got married he thought it just proved him right, that you were better off. You were my friend, I should have known better." She inched closer. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

Her presence, so close, gouged at the hole. For a split second, my vision faltered and I was convinced I was going to pass out.

What did I do to deserve this pain?

What could I possibly have done in some distant past life that was horrible enough to deserve this?

Or was I just the only one in the world that could tolerate the whims and wishes of a family of vampires and walk away vaguely coherent?

Was I at all coherent?

Maybe this was a fantasy: maybe all those years ago I hadn't ever come out of it. Maybe this was a creation of my mind. Maybe I was in a mental hospital trapped in some kind of wasting, catatonic state.

No. That wasn't it. When I was dazed I didn't feel pain; I didn't feel anything. This hurt too much to be a fantasy. I eased myself up and wiped at my tears. Finally, I did the only thing left that I could do.

I turned my head and looked at her; Sadness marred her flawless face. This was too much. I could never be angry with her, never wish pain on her gentle features, never use my anger to hurt her. She didn't deserve it. Alice wasn't the one who left me. She only followed her family, followed Jasper. Wouldn't I have followed after Edward, had our places been reversed?

"Charlie filled us in, at least a bit. I can't tell you how sorry I am, Bella. My brother," her opinion on his decisions, obvious in the venom of her voice, "is an absolute idiot and I was even dumber for listening to him. I should have ignored him and come back for you."

"Alice," my voice was raw, "stop." I couldn't bear to listen to this any more.

"I don't know how you could ever forgive me for being such a terrible person."Alice's voice wavered as she dropped to the ground beside me.

There was silence for a moment. I had almost forgotten how dramatic my vampires could be. She already knew how this would end – Alice wouldn't be here if she didn't see this ending well. I knew she wouldn't cause me that pain.

"You already know whether I will or not."

"Bella…" her voice was pleading.

Manipulative, little leech.

"I can't be angry with you, Alice." I sighed. "Even when part of me wants to be, I'm not capable of it."

She gave a small smile and grabbed my hands. "I promise. We, Esme and I anyway, will do everything we can to fix what we've done to you."

"You don't have to…"

She shifted forward and held my hands tighter. "Yes, we do. We made a mess of your life. We have to help fix it."

I looked down and studied my hands in her pale ones. Her icy skin felt so… right under my touch.

"Should I even waste my time arguing with you?"

In an instant that impish smile was back on her face. Alice pulled me forward into a tight hug. Her marble arms around me were like the most comfortable place in the world.

"Are you going to fill me in on my future?"

"What fun would that be?" The hint of mischief was there. She would never give details. "It is good though." She answered into my hair.

"Wow, helpful." I murmured into her shoulder, rolling my eyes but smiling slightly despite myself.

She was still smiling when I shivered and she pulled away. "It'll be perfect, Bella, I promise."

I wiped at my face again. "I'm a mess aren't I?"

"You reek, actually." Her nose turned up but she laughed when I smelled my hair. "You realize you're married to a werewolf right? You just smell like wet, disgusting dog. I know you've been staying with Charlie but that… smell must just sink into everything. You'll never get it out of your truck. But then that's not so much of a loss."

"I wonder what you smell like to them." I might spare her my anger but she insulted my truck and she would just have to deal with my snark.

"Lord, Bella, he was right about one thing: you are a complete magnet for danger! The vampires leave town and you marry a werewolf, a young werewolf at that! How in the world have you survived this long?"

"Dumb luck, I guess." I sighed and finally pulled myself back to my feet, brushing away the detritus from my legs. "We should go back to the house before Charlie thinks I've gone catatonic again."

"Bella…" she was standing beside me before I even noticed her move. "I really can't explain how sorry I am that we hurt you."

"You never hurt me, Alice. And… I've never blamed… I've never even blamed him until about an hour ago."

She walked slowly at my side as we picked our way back toward the house. "Jasper still blames himself for everything."

"He shouldn't. He couldn't help it. Edward," I cringed as I said his name, "overreacted."

"When was the last time you actually that out loud?" her golden eyes were too insightful.

I sighed and hesitated before giving the honest answer. "Five years ago."

Alice sighed but said nothing linking her arm with mine as we walked back to the house.

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Comments, Criticisisms???


	10. Chapter 9

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

* * *

Chapter 9

Charlie and Esme were waiting for us when we broke through the trees; both looked terribly nervous but, as we came closer to the house, relief seemed to wash over them.

"You okay?" Charlie asked.

That question was becoming ridiculously irritating. "Yes, I'm fine. We're fine." I added, preempting his next question.

"Bella…" Esme stepped forward and tentatively wrapped me in her arms. "I'm so happy to see you again. I missed you so much." She squeezed a bit tighter and whispered near my ear, "We should have come sooner."

I'd forgotten that, by the time the Cullens had left, Esme had already wholeheartedly and almost excitedly accepted Alice's visions of me. She had seemingly resolved that I would be one of her daughters regardless of her son's reluctance. "I missed you too," was the only response I could muster.

"So… how long are you going to be in town?" Charlie said, awkwardly. My father was becoming uncomfortable with all the emotional females now surrounding him.

"I'm not sure." Alice answered, "We were going to visit family in Alaska but we forgot how much we missed it here."

"Are the others coming up too?" Of course the unspoken but understood question was actually 'is your bastard son coming back to break my irrationally fragile daughter's heart again?'

"Carlisle and Jasper will likely join us. I don't know about the others..." Esme answered, finally pulling away from me.

"Oh!" Alice burst out, "Bella should come and stay with us for a while - we can catch up." She seemed to begin to bounce excitedly. Alice always had seemed to contain so much energy when she was struck with, what she deemed, a brilliant idea that she gave the impression of vibrating with excitement though she hardly moved at all. "We could even head up to Seattle for a spa day tomorrow. It would be so perfect, relaxing." She acted as if the idea had just miraculously popped into her head but I knew chances were she'd seen it the moment she had entered the city limits.

Charlie had always been weak when it came to Alice; even now, he couldn't resist her enigmatic charm. "That might be just what you need right now, kid."

I looked at them smiling, hoping it didn't seem too forced. "Yeah, I just need to talk over a few things with Dad and then I'll come over."

"Wonderful." Esme beamed. "I've been meaning to try some new recipes. We'll stop by the store for a few things so don't hurry yourself."

"You don't need to do that." I just shook my head. Esme loved to cook. Well, she had remembered, once I began spending time with the family, that when she was human she had loved to cook. My visit would be the perfect excuse for her to actually practice again.

"Nonsense. It will be nice to have another opinion. Alice eats like a bird and you know how the boys are."

Yeah, the boys who like to go hunt angry, wild, grumpy grizzlies with their bare hands.

"You remember the way out to the house?" Alice called as they made their way back to the car.

As if I could forget.

"I'm pretty sure I remember." I called covering the tiny surge of sadness.

They waved one last time as they pulled out. Somehow I seriously doubted they would be going to the grocery store. Alice probably had Esme stop on the way over. Of course it didn't matter when I left for the house – I could have pulled out the moment after them and they still would have beaten me by miles even with a stop. Granted, Esme was, from what I saw before, the slowest driver in the family. Although that only meant she went 40 over the speed limit rather than 60.

"Are you really okay, Bells?" Charlie asked, knocking me out of my reverie. He was giving me an awkward look. The car had gone far beyond my sight, the low purr of the engine long devoured by the towering trees. I really needed to stop doing this staring blankly into space thing.

"Yes," I paused and took a deep breath. "I am actually okay."

"When you came in you just looked like…" he led the way back into the house.

"Yeah…" I sighed as I followed him into the kitchen. "It was just such a shock to see them again."

"You're telling me."He leaned again the fridge as we simply stood in the room.

The inevitable awkward silence hung heavily in the room. "I brought you lunch." My mind jumped to the bag I had earlier slammed against the Formica. I quickly began fussing with the package.

"You're really going to go over there." He interrupted my semi-desperate movements.

I froze. "Yeah, why?" The question annoyed me for some reason. I may be staying with him for now but I was still an adult. I would not deal with this. I left the food on the counter and headed for my room.

"Are you sure that's wise?" he followed after me. "I mean, you haven't heard anything from either of them in five years. I know you were close to Alice and her mom but Bella… nothing?"

"It was complicated, Dad."I pulled out the bag from my closet and began tossing clothes in it in a vaguely organized way. He simply leaned against the door frame watching me with that 'you'll have to answer me eventually' look. I finally turned and looked at him. "Would you have known what to say if I had done that to Edward? Even if you'd been close?" I hefted the bag over my shoulder. "It wasn't Alice or Esme's fault, Dad. Edward was the one who hurt me. Not them."

"And what if he shows up?"

"Do you mean after I smack the shit out of him?" Charlie followed me down the stairs. "If he shows up…" I sighed, "then whatever. I hate him. He's the one that left me. He's the one that hurt me."

He grunted vaguely, "As long as you're able to remember that, Bells."

Charlie turned and went into the living room. I slipped out of the house quietly and went on to whatever was before me.

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Comments, Criticisms, shameless plugs?


	11. Chapter 10

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

* * *

Chapter 10

My feelings were roiling as I drove down the damp highway. There was a calm I hadn't know in years beginning to brew inside me, something I hadn't even had a hint of since I left Phoenix that first time. It was mixed with this exciting sort of dread; I had begun something by taking that first step outside the door today, something, huge and life-altering. And it wasn't just meeting with the lawyer or getting that old name back on my license. It was something more than just a divorce. People get divorced every day.

This was different from that sad inevitability.

This was something more, something bigger, something… cosmically unavoidable.

Of course, I understood Charlie's worry for me. In my weird, twisted sort of way I almost enjoyed it. There was something to what I had told him though: I had found my anger and hatred for Edward Cullen. It was the only thing that allowed me to even see Alice and Esme without the total breakdown and it wasn't something I believed he would be able to break though.

The drive felt longer than it ever had before, and my anticipation mounted with each bend of the road. Finally, I spotted the familiar chunk of pavement and before I knew it the tall house came into view beyond the trees. Everything had changed. The building, usually so void and empty, seemed alive again; the windows were thrown open, and the lights blazed into the near constant semi-twilight. I sat in the parked truck and simply enjoyed the welcoming sight.

I jumped when Alice suddenly pulled my door open.

She smirked but her face fell quickly. "You've come here recently." Her eyes were full of grief again with the simple statement.

I sighed and cut the engine. "I – sometimes – when that… day comes – I just end up here."

"To cry." She stated with a reserved sadness.

I knew there was no way the scent of my tears would have lasted through the weeks of rain since I had last made the trip. I don't know how she knew that piece of my personal tragedy. I'd been here more times that I would ever be willing to admit. I'd even managed it without Seth a few times. Maybe that knowledge was just some visionary throwback Alice had seen. Chances are I would never know the real answer.

"Mostly." I snorted a sarcastic laugh. "I seem to cry a lot."

"With a wolf?"

If even vestiges of my scent had lingered, Seth's must have stood out from the pine and rain like nothing else in the world. "The treaty is intact." The defense came automatically. "Please don't hold it against them. Seth's my step-brother; he stays with me because he worries."

"We figured it was something like that. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be cheering you up, and I'm failing miserably."

I just sighed and grabbed my bag as I hopped out of the truck. I had forgotten how quickly they all seemed to process emotions and move on to new things.

Alice simply ignored my eye roll and linked her arm with mine, chatting happily about all her plans for me.

"Esme is making pot roast for dinner. She thinks you're too thin."

That made me laugh. Sweet, maternal Esme had always though I was too thin. The comment almost distracted me as we stopped in the foyer. I didn't think the first time I set foot in here in five years would feel so relaxed. Something in my mind braced itself as I glanced into the parlor. An ornate table with a beautiful, etched crystal vase full of white roses sat on the dais where my memory insisted the piano should be. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until I let it out. "Thank you." I breathed to Alice.

She simply nodded and continued to lead me up the stairs, hardly stopping her narrative.

The guest room was as beautiful as the rest of the house. It was something I had never considered any of the previous times I'd been here. But when I was younger and stayed over it had always been in Alice's room – which in retrospect I suppose meant Jasper had been relegated to some other part of the house– or on Edward's sofa. I guess, intellectually, I assumed they had guest rooms – most big houses did – it had just never occurred to me to use one of them then. I was too old for teen sleepovers now, though.

Alice helped me unpack still rattling.

"Oh, Bella," she sighed shaking out another hoodie I'd long ago claimed from Jake and wrinkling her nose, "I didn't think your fashion sense could have gotten any worse and yet… You do realize I'm going to make most of your wardrobe disappear, right?"

"I figured. I left anything sentimental at Charlie's."

"Oh, Esme is calling." She sprang up and suddenly I was on my way down to the kitchen.

A place setting was laid out on the bar. Esme was at the stove looking almost uncertainly into the pan. She sighed and moved it to the counter.

"I hope it tastes alright." She smiled as I took a seat. "I haven't had the chance to practice in the last few years."

"It smells wonderful." I told her. Honestly, it did smell better than anything I had ever made. She served and waited patiently for my reaction. The meat was divine, moist and flavorful. The vegetable and potatoes were perfectly roasted. Esme relaxed with my contented sigh.

The two vampires filled the silence while I ate with updates on the rest of the family, carefully avoiding any mention of Edward. All too soon the plates were cleared but they continued to talk. There were so many stories of Emmett's creative ways of entertaining himself and so little time to tell them.

Soon I began to feel the weight of the day's emotional upheaval the yawns began to dominate. Esme ushered me up stairs ordering Alice to finish cleaning up. Outside my room, she hugged me again and pressed a kiss to my forehead before she disappeared back downstairs with a wistful glance.

In the room, alone for the first time since I arrived, I began to think. Usually, I avoided thinking as much as possible but things were different now. The gaping wound in my chest was there but its pain was only a small ache. I changed my clothes and practically collapsed into the bed, feeling something I believe must have been akin to contentment for the first time since I was seventeen. The last thing I remember thinking of before sleep finally claimed me was sunshine and a meadow full of wildflowers.

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Comments, Criticisms???


	12. Chapter 11

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her. Also, I am planning several outtake chapters to post after this is finished so... yeah.

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Chapter 11

The odd sound was the first thing I became aware of. It was almost like someone tapping oh-so-lightly on something very hard. I cracked my eyes and sat up, quickly.

The blonde vampire at the dressing table ceased drumming his fingers against the antique wood and stared back at me, panic in his golden eyes. "Good morning, Bella," he ventured, tentatively.

I studied him a moment before answering. "Good morning, Jasper."

Jasper Hale looked exactly the same as he had that last night. He still seemed so young, the flaxen waves of his hair falling with haphazard elegance around his boyish face. For the millionth time I wondered how old he had been when he changed.

"Alice?" I asked.

"Who else?" he shrugged. "She thinks we need to get everything out in the open."

"I agree." There was silence for a moment. I shifted about slightly nervously, pushing my sleep tangled hair away from my face. "When did you get in?" It was conversational, I know, but what does one say to the vampire who blames himself entirely for his family abandoning you?

"A few hours ago. Carlisle and I left Sacramento immediately when Esme called." He smirked. "She said it was a dire emergency."

I smiled as readjusted myself on the bed. "Again, Alice, I assume."

"Of course – she knows how to manipulate." There was a quirk to his mouth as the words came out. It wasn't a judgmental statement. It was just a fact. Alice's gift meant she always knew exactly what to say.

Fear, pain and regret were taking equal turns flashing across his face, radiating off from him.

"Jasper," I leaned forward, even closer to him, "I know you can sense I'm not afraid of you."

Jasper smirked as he studied the floor. "You never did, did you?"I knew he didn't expect an answer to his wistful question. "I don't understand it. I never have. I'm the one responsible for everything that's happened to you. If I'd just had more control…"

"No, Jasper. Don't you dare take responsibility for Edward being a moron! He used you as an excuse – if it hadn't been you, he would have found some other reason to do it." I was bitter about it. I knew now, deep down, that Edward would have left me no matter what had happened that night. That knowledge irritated my wound and feed my anger.

"If Emmett hadn't been there, hadn't been stronger than me I would have killed you." His voice carried so much regret, so much self-hatred. So, so much more than Jasper could ever deserve.

"Maybe, Maybe not."

"No, not maybe, Bella. Definitely." His grave eyes finally rose up to meet mine.

I studied him a moment. "You know," I leaned back, "I have a theory about that night."

"Do tell?" The Texas drawl crept into his voice as he let himself relax a fraction, smirking slightly.

"With your gift, you're sensitive to the feelings of those around you. And you are especially connected to the family, more so than outsiders, correct?"

He nodded, seemingly intrigued.

"When I cut my finger that night, when I looked up in the moment before… Don't think I didn't see the look on everyone's faces. In that moment, everyone in that room, even Edward, saw me as nothing but a walking, talking happy meal." I shook my head and continued. "You could have controlled it if it had just been your thirst, your feeling of hunger and desire. But it wasn't just your feelings, was it?"

"It never is." His voice was barely a whisper.

"You had to cope with and control everyone's thirst on top of your own. It was more than anyone could have handled."

Jasper just stared at his hands before he raised his head and looked at me. "I suppose I just never though about it that way."

"You don't want to kill me right now, do you?"

He laughed at that. "I've been working on my control since…the… incident…" There was a frustrated look on his face as he explained. I would probably never understand how hard all that work had been for Jasper. He met my eyes again, a tiny hint of satisfaction coming from him. "I'm much stronger now."

"That's good to know."

"I'm actually 92% sure, if you cut yourself right now, I wouldn't try to tear your throat out."

"I like those odds." I jumped when he appeared in front of me, his hand outstretched.

I took his hand and he helped me to my feet.

"You should get dressed. Alice has a long day planned for you and I think breakfast is almost ready." He was still a moment with the oddest look on his face. Then he pressed a gentle kiss to the back of my hand. "Welcome home, Little Sister." He whispered and was gone.

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Reviews = 3


	13. Chapter 12

Transcendence

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

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Chapter 12

Belgian waffles with warm apple compote – Esme was definitely trying to fatten me up.

They were all in the kitchen when I entered. Carlisle stood quickly and just stared at me a moment. The longer I was here the more I became aware of how little they all changed. I would never have expected big changes, not in just five years. It was the lack of small changes that was so startling: he looked exactly the same as the day I was almost crushed in the school parking lot.

Exactly the same.

"Bella…" he seemed almost more apprehensive than Jasper had been. Was every one of them going to react to me this way? This tentative hesitance was strange. Part of me supposed, though, it would be hard to see the girl your son or brother cast off so cruelly five years after her life had been suspended.

"Hi." The awkwardness of the whole situation was rubbing off on me, too.

There was a moment of subtle decision making before he took the four steps across the kitchen and hugged me. "How can you even tolerate us?" he asked quietly. It was such a strange thing that his cold arms could give me this warm feeling.

Ah, drama.

"How can I not?" I didn't quite recognize the voice that escaped from me. How in the world did I sound so frail? Good lord what was happening to me? My life was becoming more and more confusing and distracting and…and… There was some realization harassing me. Something I needed, something everything depended on, hanging just out of my grip.

"Oh, Carlisle let the girl eat before her breakfast gets cold." Esme was smiling with her hand on his shoulder.

He pulled away, looking somehow less than calm.

"Yes, of course, how forgetful of me." Something was bothering him.

Did I really smell that bad?

No, it was something more than that. I saw the peculiar look he gave Alice as Esme lead me to the kitchen table. It was a glimpse of whatever he was thinking beneath the veneer of the benevolent patriarch. I didn't get a bad feeling from the short exchange, just a further feeling of something odd.

A moment later when he sat beside Esme at the table the mask was firmly back in place.

Mindless chatter eventually came to occupy the awkward silence that settled in as I ate until Alice announced it was time to leave.

She was a miniature whirlwind as she ushered me outside to her waiting car. The bright yellow car looked so garish in the drive.

"Alice... Seriously?"

"Don't you just love my baby?" she stroked the smooth paint. "It's a Porsche. She's so fast and sleek and beautiful." She beamed down at the mechanical creature as if it would soon call her "mommy" and ask for a juice box.

For a moment I was amazed that Alice was completely starry-eyed over a car.

"She would choose that damn car over me."

I jumped out of my skin as Jasper's voice emanated from my side.

"Sorry, I forgot about the… human… thing." He apologized. "Esme has a list for you." He said to Alice.

She pulled herself away from the vehicle and took the list from him, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. "I would always choose you first." She responded to his earlier comment as she melted against his side. He was trying very hard not to smile as their eyes met and I looked away at the first glimpse of the intensity of that small gaze. I didn't think I would ever share that level of intimacy in a simple look with anyone in my life again. I was now wondering if I ever really had. Alice's crystalline laugh broke my reverie as she grasped my arm and pulled me toward the car.

"Yeah, right. Don't hurt her, Ali. She's only human." He called as we pulled away.

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Comments, Criticisms???


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

A/N: As always I own nothing. And my beta is a-mazing

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The car ride began in tense silence. Mostly because I was too busy – clinging to my seatbelt and praying Alice didn't kill me as she sped over the wet, serpentine roads– to talk. Once we got to the marginally straighter highway I allowed myself relax a bit. I needed to ask her about Carlisle this morning I just wasn't sure how to broach the subject.

"I saw the look you had earlier – you know Carlisle is worried. He's nervous about my visions." She answered as if I had actually asked the question.

"Cheater." I grumbled.

Alice simply smiled as she drove.

"But what about the vision? There must have been…" It hit me suddenly. "Alice?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes, Bella?"

"You had a vision of me once, of how I would end up." I asked her tentatively.

Alice didn't respond but sighed almost wearily.

" That vision is back isn't it?"

She just smiled wistfully and shook her head. "It never really went away. It just faded."

"And that makes Carlisle nervous." He didn't want me around. He was with Edward. He wanted me to be human and grow old and die – all those average human trials.

"Don't freak out Bella. It's not the idea of you being a vampire that makes him nervous – it's your soon to be ex husband that worries him."

"Jacob? Why would…" Oh, I was so stupid.

The treaty.

It would be broken if any of the Cullens were ever to bite a human. Not kill: bite. And as far as any of them were concerned I was, despite anything else, Jacob's mate, a part of the pack. The wolves would see any of them turning me as an attack on the pack itself.

I _hate _werewolves.

"But you see things working out – right?"

She was quiet. "Bella, do you still want it? I mean I know you did before everything – But now?"

"You see the future, Alice. You tell _me_."

"I see _what_ happens. I don't know why it happens. I want to know if it's something that you still want."

Her comment made me think: was it something I wanted? Did I really want to be a vampire even without Edward by my side? He had been the main reason I wanted it before…

But now. Without him?

I turned my head and studied Alice's profile. She wasn't waiting for a reply, no pressure.

I couldn't come up with an easy answer. Part of me instantly said "of course". But there was another part. Something very palpable that dreaded the idea of having eternity but not having _him_. He would come back to the family eventually. Did I want to be there, be one of them and have him treat like nothing more than his youngest sister? Would he even treat me that well?

He didn't want me.

He really didn't want me to be a vampire.

Would he be angry at the others for welcoming my change as I knew deep in my heart they would? Maybe not Rosalie, but the rest of them would. I couldn't bear to tear their lives apart over something as trivial as my own. No, I couldn't be the cause of that.

"Your next comment is going to make you sound almost as depressing as Edward so don't even say it. I won't let you make a martyr of yourself because of him, Bella. He's not worth it. It doesn't matter what he wants. What do _you_ want?"

Count on Alice to be the voice of reason.

If I took Edward out of the equation…

"Yes." I whispered my answer.

Alice smiled again from her seat. "I can't promise an easy road, Bella. There are lots of gaps in my visions, so the dogs must be involved."

"You can't see them?"

"Not a bit. It's really very annoying." She sighed bitterly.

I shook my head – it was all I could do. I was worried. I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me; Alice still saw me as a vampire.

She still saw it.

But that would certainly put the nail in the coffin of Jacob's and my friendship. As if divorcing him wasn't enough.

"Bella?" Alice called, amusement in her voice.

I looked up from the dashboard where I had been focusing. The car was stopped and Alice was leaning down to look in on me. I rolled my eyes at myself as I finally exited and joined her on the sidewalk.

Alice just laughed and linked her arm with mine. "You think too much, Bella. You _will _relax today – I'm determined." She stopped in front of what, must be, an insanely expensive spa.

"Alice…"

"Don't even start that. You are going to be pampered and I am going to go shopping get you some respectable clothes."

"My clothes aren't that bad." I protested as she pulled me in through the elegantly frosted, glass doors.

"You actually do believe that, don't you" There was a vague shock in her rhetorical question. "Don't worry. When I'm finished with you, you will actually look like a woman." She stopped to chat quietly with the receptionist and almost before I could blink we were surrounded by smiling technicians.

"So what do I look like now?" I was miffed as she handed me over to the others.

"Do you mean other than a twelve-year-old boy?" Alice spun on her heel and headed for the exit, calling over her shoulder, "Don't worry Bella, I'll see you later."

If I was completely honest, I did zone out as I was lead from massage to facial to mud bath to hair styling to make up to… I wasn't even sure. The stylists and masseuses had been instructed not to let me see myself so I had nothing to worry about. I let my mind drift. It had never been this easy to simply let my mind wander, focusing on nothing.

When I went back to the changing room, my clothes had mysteriously disappeared and been replaced by new bags – there was no use fighting Alice. I hadn't lied: any clothes I had been particularly attached to, I had left with Charlie. At least she had chosen me clothes I could figure out how to put on. There had been a fairly large dread that she would leave me with some intricate and completely overdone dress. The jeans, t-shirt and sweater were a relief. Though they were much nicer and more stylish versions of the ones I had been wearing before. The flat boots were also a huge relief. Previously, Alice had been obsessed with sticking me in insanely high heels that I barely was able to totter in on.

When I emerged she was waiting for me. Alice squealed with excitement as I came into view grabbing my arm and pulling me toward a mirror. "You look amazing." She marveled at her own handiwork.

I could hardly believe my eyes. I didn't recognize the woman standing next to Alice in the mirror. There was no way that could be me. No one could ever hope to compete with Alice's vampiric perfection but the person with her in the mirror… There was no way that girl could be me.

She was studying my profile as I stared at my reflection. "Are you happy?" she asked, an eager smile plastered across her face. I took a step forward and studied my reflection closer. It was me, alright.

"Thank you," I whispered.

She just smiled and pulled me toward the door. "I can't wait to get you home so you can see everything I got you – you'll love it!"

Alice was so pleased with herself and her excitement was terribly infectious.

"Do you mind stopping at Charlie's on the way back?"

"Absolutely. He'll love this."

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Comments, Criticisms...


	15. Chapter 14

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Anyone is welcome to my student loans if they want them.

A/N: Thanks again to my amazing, patient beta.

* * *

Chapter 14

_"Do you mind stopping at Charlie's on the way back?"_

_ "Absolutely. He'll love this."_

I wasn't sure if she had seen his reaction or if she was guessing, but I knew as she drove us home, my mood was completely different.

I had reached one conclusion through my day: everything that was in front of me, all the trials and potential hardships, were just things I would have to wait for. I would just sit back and wait for my future, good or bad, to come to me. There was no point in worrying about things I couldn't change or stop.

Of course that was easier said than done.

Alice was so excited to show Charlie her handiwork. I think she would have been excited to show anyone and everyone how she had _improved_ me.

He was pleased, as I knew he would be. Charlie's weakness when it came to Alice only grew each time she did something to make me happy; the thought that she had helped me relax only endeared her to him more. Sue was another story: she was polite enough, but she eyed Alice warily from her place leaning against the counter at the other end of the kitchen.

It was such an awkward moment. Charlie was making conversation; Alice always seemed to be able to convince my usually reticent father to chat. Sue seemed to remember there was a charade to be maintained and offered coffee around but, after we refused, she glared at the vampire over the rim of her mug. I was terribly thankful there were pieces of the Quileute myths Charlie either hadn't put together, or chose not to put together. Ten minutes seemed to drag on like eternity.

After what felt like an endless stream of small talk and pointed sighs I jumped away the entrance area as the kitchen door burst open, slamming hard into the countertop behind it, the glass rattling in its frame. "Charlie? Mom?" Seth's eyes examined every inch of the room assessing everyone. He gave off this feeling of frenetic panic underlying his hunter's instincts. Finally, his gaze leveled on Alice.

I had never seen Seth's eyes so hard – Alice wrinkled her nose as she took him in. They were sizing each other up, evaluating each other's weaknesses.

"Seth, this is my friend Alice." My tone was very even as I spoke to him and stepped between them.

He took the hint and dialed back his stance. "Nice to meet you." He addressed her with measured words; the warning was still in his voice.

"Likewise." She responded.

Charlie was giving us a curious look.

I kept thinking, _please don't let him wonder why the werewolf wants to kill my friend._

Thank God Alice was thinking clearly enough to notice the growing tension and create an excuse for us to leave. "Well, we said we were going to meet Esme for dinner." She created the reason for us to slide out of the house.

Seemed like as good an excuse as any to leave to me. "Yeah," I snapped out of my moment of panic and smiled back to Charlie and Sue, hoping Charlie would brush off this new tension. "I have that thing you wanted me to look for in the car. Walk us out?" I asked Seth, pointedly meeting his eyes. I needed to talk to Seth before he ran off to fetch the cavalry. His first instinct would be to run back, to phase and warn the pack of the new danger, well, old danger returned. Every movement of his body screamed tension: he was standing there waiting for the attack to come. Seth at least would let me talk about what was happening – I didn't think any of the others would.

Out of earshot and sight of the kitchen, he sprung forward and pulled me away from Alice putting himself in the space between us.

"What the fuck, Bella?" The force in Seth's voice startled me a moment.

"She's my friend, Seth." I yanked my arm back. He could have held me still, I knew I only managed to pull away because he let me. "Please don't do this."

He sighed and paced in a circle, running his hand through his cropped hair. "At least now I know why Sam is calling a pack meeting." He was still assessing the situation. "You know I almost kinda hoped that vamp trying to kill you was back." He gave a half-growled sigh as he ran his hand through his hair again. "I don't mean that. You know I don't mean that." Seth squeezed his eyes shut a moment. "This is bad – this is _so _bad. You really trust them?" He scoffed, still disbelieving.

I reached out and caught his chin turning his face to meet my eyes. "With my life." It came out almost solemnly when I spoke.

He snorted and shook his head. Alice, for her part, remained silent and let us talk it out.

"How long are you all staying?" he turned on her.

"We haven't decided. A while, likely," she answered and circled around us. There was something so predatory in the way she placed herself between us and the house. It was almost like she was calculating the fastest way to grab me and get out should things turn.

"I don't like this, Bells. I really don't." The hard edge had disappeared from his voice, exasperation and worry replacing it.

Of course he was worried. The vampires were back.

"Seth," I looked straight into his eyes again. "Seth, trust me. They aren't here to do me or anyone else any harm."

"Are they why…?" Of course the vampires would be to blame for me leaving Jake.

"No, they only came back to town yesterday. It was just a coincidence."

"Is _he_ back?"

Of course, everyone was worried about Edward coming back – if I never heard anyone ask anything about Edward Cullen again it would be too soon! I was convinced that, if Seth's next words had been 'how do you feel?', I may have lost my mind once and for all. "No. I don't know that he will be."

He nodded studying the ground. "I trust you Bella. I trust your judgment. And until they do something… _bad_, I will trust them. But you know how Jacob is going to react to this…"

"The minute you phase he'll know everything and freak out. I know. He'd react the exact same way whether I was still with him or not." I paced in a small circle. Saying Jacob was going to freak out was a vast understatement and I knew it. "Just don't let him do anything too stupid." I might be unhappy with Jacob now, but I still cared about him. I knew deep down that the problems I had with him had been my fault as much as his; if he was a little controlling sometimes, it was because I let him be. Nothing between us had come up overnight and we were equally responsible.

Seth had a slight twist to his lips as he spoke. "You know Jake."

Yeah, I did. That was what creating the nagging worry growing in my mind.

I looked back toward the house where Alice had been standing. The space was empty and when I turned my head to look for her she was standing beside the driver's door of the car. Seth was already approaching her slowly, still wary – of course he had noticed her move. The human wouldn't notice the vampire speed. I joined them as quickly as I could.

"Just so you know," he called to Alice over the car, "if any of you hurt her I _will_ kill you."

The idea of my sweet, goofy step-brother making the threat was foreign and little disturbing. I'd never really rationalized the idea of Seth, the werewolf, with Seth, the boy; seeing this side pushed the point home.

"I know. I would expect that from her brother," she answered. "Thank you for taking care of her out at the house. Don't worry about the treaty."

"What are you...?" He tried to deny it, maybe for his pride, maybe out of habit to deny or refute anything any vampire said.

"Your scent tends to linger." She cut him off. "Thank you for watching over her when we were… were too blind to realize we needed to."

He just nodded and headed off toward the forest. He hesitated a moment and stopped and turned back just before entering the trees. "Keep your phone on, Bella. I'll let you know if…" he gestured vaguely but there was a seriousness in his voice. He was concerned for what Jacob would do. So was I.

"Yeah." I answered back waving. "Yeah, I will."

I sighed and got into the car.

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Comments, Criticisms, shameless plugs?


	16. Chapter 15

Transcendence

Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Anyone is welcome to my student loans if they want them.

A/N: As always, I just want to profusely thank my patient, amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

* * *

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. The mantra kept repeating over and over in my head. Jake was going to react very badly to this news. Gloom and terror were taking hold of me – I had never thought it would be possible for Alice to drive any faster, but she proved me wrong on the way back to the house.

"Alice? Do you see any…?" my voice sounded so tiny in the confines of the car.

"Please be quiet, Bella," she snapped. "I need to concentrate."

Alice never snapped. I had never heard Alice speak to any one shortly.

Jasper was already descending the wide porch steps when the sports car skidded to a stop in the drive.

"What's wrong?" His worry was obvious in his tense features. He would have picked up Alice's agitation from farther away than anyone else.

"Bella's ex knows we're back."

"The wolf?"

"He doesn't exactly know yet…" I supplied pitifully.

The setting sun cast even deeper shadows than usual across the open yard. The high trees ringing it took on a monstrous quality, as if the creatures of the night were lurking within. Prowling, stalking through the overwhelming gloom.

The transparent gloom faded away as the light of the setting sun, barely granting its parting glow to the sky behind the towering forest, seemed to recoil and was replaced by overwhelming darkness. Time felt like it was moving in such a lurch around us. It may have thirty seconds or thirty minutes as we waited.

Of course I was the only one that noticed this. Poor little human Bella. Not like the vampires and werewolves. I could see nothing, hear little more. Even the usual night time critters had gone silent in anticipation of whatever was coming. Alice was only a few feet from me; I could see her vague outline and Jasper's just a few feet beyond her. When the hell did it start getting dark so quickly? How could they manage to be so utterly silent, so still? If I hadn't known better I would have thought the outlines of figures before me were ancient statures; some long forgotten Greek gods carved from pure alabaster.

I jerked my eyes closed and blinked to adjust when the porch lights suddenly illuminated the yard. Esme's steps were slow and measured as she crossed and came down into the grass. I had never even seen Carlisle come out, but there he was, standing beside Jasper. They were listening; straining for anything that would warn them the pack was coming.

My phone began to ring and the vampires all turned toward me, surprised. I hit the tiny button and sound began pouring out.

"He took off!" Seth was running. I could hear the leaves and branches hitting him and the phone as he chased the others through the forest. "Sam doesn't want to order him off. He's afraid Jake won't listen. The others are behind him, I gotta catch up."

"I know." I hung up. I knew Seth would need to phase to have any hope of catching the others.

I appreciated that I didn't need to relay the message to the vampires. They all stared off in the direction I knew the reservation lay. By the time I heard the rustle of leaves I was surrounded, all of them watching carefully as the gigantic wolf broke through the tree line, the others must be close on his heels.

Jacob skidded to a stop just before me. The few feet between us hardly seemed sufficient with his display. He was nothing but a jumbled cacophony of snarls and snapping teeth. Jasper crouched, waiting for the seemingly imminent attack.

This couldn't be how things turned out. It couldn't come to this. I had them back! I finally had them back, and now…

The decision came to me as easy as breathing. I rested my hand lightly on Jasper's shoulder as I walked around, between him and Jacob.

"Don't you dare start a fight, Jacob Black." I ordered.

The wolf was still snarling as he stared at the forms behind me.

"I mean it, Jacob. You know damn well which side I'll take in this if you do."

There was a commotion as the other wolves dove out of the trees. They skidded to a stopped a few feet behind Jacob. Quil and Embry slowly continued forward, obviously intent on standing by Jake's side should he be attacked. They stilled with a look from Sam as he passed them, coming to stand at the head of the pack. He was silent watching, assessing how much damage had already been done. The other's watched the scene with wary curiosity. It was almost like a group of bystanders watching a train wreck that was about to explode. Not bystanders, that wouldn't be fair to them. Maybe paramedics that knew damn well it was too dangerous to approach but where there to try to pick up the pieces if they had no other choice.

Jake looked over his shoulder at them and then began to pace in front of me, annoyance and anger radiating off him. He was still growling. I had spent enough time with him to know that it wasn't overt aggression – he was simply complaining.

"We are not doing this. If you want to talk to me you go phase back and talk." I crossed my arms over my chest as our battle of wills began. When the hell did I get so assertive?

He was glaring. Jacob never liked being ordered around, especially not in front of the pack. Most especially in front of a group of vampires and the pack. I couldn't back down now – why did he think I would respond to his growled complaints? I never had before.

Our staring match was interrupted as one last wolf burst through the woods and came to a skidding, rolling stop in the clearing of the yard. Seth scanned the assembly desperately before he took a seat on the ground near Sam, somewhat sheepishly.

Jacob shook his head and looked back to me, with a whine.

"I am not going to have a conversation with you this way, Jake. If you want to talk, you talk to me as a man. If you won't, then go home." I punctuated my ultimatum by pointing back the way he had come.

He huffed and gave one last low growl before dropping his head and turning. The light, barely stifled coughing laughs from his brothers made his shoulders tense. It seemed Seth's entrance had triggered something in the pack. They all seemed to give off this impression of... detachment maybe, as if this was some stupid thing, like Jacob was being as ass and tomorrow we would all be back to normal. Or whatever normal was for us. I couldn't even imagine what Sam must be saying to them to encourage this turn. Or maybe destroying a century old treaty with their sworn enemies, because Jacob was having a tantrum was just an exciting way to spend a Thursday night. Looking at the assembled pack I could see the amusement on many of their faces. Only Sam and Seth were silent and still in their seriousness with the whole thing. Jacob stalked back toward the pack. Embry yelped as Jacob's heavy body smashed into him and he roughly grabbed the shorts tethered to his hind leg. The laughing became focused on the sufficiently cowed wolf as Jake skulked around the corner of the house.

He emerged a moment later stomping in my direction. He was fuming, enraged.

"Hello, Jacob." I said slowly. It was so strange to see him again. There was a bittersweet twinge at the sight of his face, even if his hard eyes focus on me in anger. I still missed him. I really missed him.

"Bella. You look... You look... beautiful." His mask of anger slipped and his eyes softened just a bit seeing me. I'd completely forgotten about my makeover.

"Thanks." I appraised him. He looked terrible; he smelled even worse. If even I could detect his general odor with my dimmed human senses… "When was the last time you phased back?"

He shrugged. His eyes rested on me again then drifted back to the vampires behind me and his lips curled into a sneer. "Come here, Bella" His hand was outstretched toward me. The wary command hung in the air.

"No, Jake. I'm not going to do that."

"Bella…" his voice held a warning.

"I chose to be here. They're my friends, and—"

"They're fucking leaches." He spat before I even finished my sentence.

"Please don't do this – they would never hurt me."

"They already did."

I shook my head. Things had changed so much in the way I thought about things with them so much in the past two days. "He hurt me, Jake. It wasn't their fault."

"Bella, you need to come away from them _now_."

"No, Jake. I'll go where I want."

Jacob took a step forward. "Please take my hand, Bells. You need to come home now. It's okay. You're just confused."

"I've never been less confused." He was in denial, grasping at straws.

"They're messing with your mind. You need to get away from them and you'll come back to your senses."

"I'm so sorry, Jacob. It's just not like that. I need to do things for myself now – I need to stand on my own."

"And you choose to stand with them?" He was incredulous.

"They didn't tear through the woods, over a treaty line, in a temper tantrum."

My accusation went straight over his head. "You can't expect me to just stop worrying about you. I _love_ you."

He always knew how to wound me best. "I know you do. I love you, too."

"Then come here. We can go home."

"It's not that easy. You're my best friend…"

"Exactly."

"But…" I sighed. This was the first time I ever had to explain my feelings and reasons to anyone else. "We were great as friends, Jacob. We were shit as a couple. You know that." I took a deep breath. "We need to start over."

He shook his head in denial. "They put that idea in your head, Bells. You come home now, and I'll help you get past this stupid little... thing you think is going on.

The wolves behind him had stopped laughing, the amusement dropped from their faces. A few cringed at his last sentence.

"It's OK, Bella. I'm not angry with you. You're just confused. You don't understand what's happening. All of this… we'll put it behind us and we'll be better."

It was odd that at that moment my mind snapped and shuffled through so many conversations with Edward. Jacob sounded so much like him at that moment it made my stomach churn angrily. The feelings of betrayal reared up.

Why was it so hard for the men in my life to accept that I could make my own damn decisions?

I hadn't even realized I was crying angry tears when I finally spoke again. "Just like him…" I whispered.

"What?" Shock coloured Jacob's voice.

"You're just like him."

He knew exactly who I was talking about. "I'm _nothing_ like him."

"No, you are – you can't let me decide anything for myself! You know best, right?"

"In this case..."

"It's my fucking life, Jacob." I cut him off. "Why is it so goddamn hard to accept? Am I so fucking stupid that I can't even manage to get angry on my own?"

"I put up with you pining over him for the last 5 years, Bella! I get some say in things."

"If I pined it was because you never let me mourn."

"He threw you away, Bella." He paced in a circle. I should have seen the warning signs. I should have seen the level his rage was reaching. "He threw you away, and you better remember I was the only one willing to take a bloodsucker's used-up whore."

His words hit me harder than any physical blow could have. I gaped at him, my breath had rushed out. Suddenly there were cold hands on my elbows.

"Bella…" Alice was at my side.

I waved her away and took a step toward Jacob.

"Well… at least I know what you think of me. You sure as hell didn't mind my past when you were on top of me." I had never told Jake that Edward and I had never slept together. He, like pretty much everyone else, simply assumed we had. That that was the reason I took his departure so hard. No point in correcting him now. "But then you didn't really think about much past getting off and passing out did you?"

"You never complained. You were quite the little bitch in heat if I remember."

"Oh yeah, it feels great to get fucked by a hot poker. What a shame you shoot blanks at 21."

There was a cumulative cringe on both sides. The pack of course knew about Jacob and my fertility problems. We had even gone so far as to start fertility treatments the year before.

There was a light tingle in the back of my mind and the anger bean to drain away. "Don't you fucking _dare_ calm me down, Jasper Hale!"

In my peripheral vision I saw him raise his hand and back away.

"You like being told what to do, Bella." Jacob smirked out of spite. "You enjoyed being my bitch and you know it."

"Yeah, it was great to be bossed around by a fucking coward."

"What?" My comment cut him short.

"You act so tough. But you're nothing but a pathetic little coward."

"Where the hell do you get off…?"

"You can't even accept your birthright, Jacob. Yeah, I got to be the _beta's_ wife, since you were too much of a fucking pussy to accept being the alpha."

He shook with bottled rage. I had crept closer in my tirade. His eyes were squeezed closed. "Well, when he comes back, I hope you enjoy your time on your back before he drains you. That was all you were ever good for anyway."

I wasn't even really conscious of it when my fist pulled back and flew at his face.

It must have been the shock that I would dare raise a hand to him that made Jacob fall to the ground since I knew there no possible way it was due to my strength.

I turned away and started walking toward the house in slow measured steps. I was absolutely furious. The very sight of him made me ill.

"We're not finished, Bella." I could hear Jake scrambling up from the dirt.

"I am." I answered quietly, just loud enough for the assembled non-humans to hear.

Barely a moment later was I thrown to the ground. The force made me notice the throbbing ache in my hand that the adrenaline has thus far drowned out. I looked back over my shoulder almost frightened to see my soon to be ex leering over me violently.

What was there shocked me even more.

Jacob was frozen mid step, his hand extended toward where I had been standing.

He hadn't knocked me down.

The large tawny wolf standing between us, hackles up, teeth bared, growling at him had. There was a cold hand gently resting on my shoulder. I was too shocked with the situation to really notice who it was.

"This doesn't concern you, Seth." The inflection of Jacobs's position as second resonated in his voice.

Seth obviously disagreed. It seemed to have no effect over my step-brother.

"This is finished." I hadn't noticed Sam slip away and phase back in the midst of the fight. "Go home, Jacob. Don't leave LaPush for now."

The command was given and Jacob turned with one last glare in my direction. Within two steps, he exploded into his wolf form and galloped off into the woods.

"The rest of you follow him." He called back. The other wolves slowly crept away, casting looks over their shoulders at me.

I could feel tears running down my face and I sat in the dust. "My hand hurts." I whispered. It was so silly and mundane after everything that had happened.

"We all heard the bones snap." Carlisle was at my side examining my offended digits. "Jasper?"

Jasper was there a second later gently lifting me from the ground.

Seth whined quietly.

"It's fine, Seth." I whispered.

"He wants to stay." Sam stated more to Carlisle than anyone else.

"It's Bella's decision. He's free to come and go as long as she wishes it."

They all looked to me.

"Yeah, it's fine. You know the bag in my truck has clothes."

He wasn't listening; his attention was on Sam and Carlisle.

"The treaty?" Sam asked.

"It is intact. This was… a unique situation. And entirely between Jacob and Bella."

Sam nodded. "I'll get Seth some clothes from her truck before I go."

"Sam…" I called as he turned to leave. "You know I didn't mean…"

"It's fine, Bella. We all say things when we're angry."

The subject was closed. Jasper carried me in the house as the yard finally cleared.

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	17. Chapter 16

Transcendence

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Anyone is welcome to my student loans if they want them.

A/N: I just want to profusely thank my amazing beta Lemon-of-the-tent for all her work with my story. It wouldn't be the same without her.

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Chapter 16

I was resting my head on my arm – my injured hand in a bowl of ice – when Seth came in sheepishly. I looked up, as I heard him enter but put my head back quickly; my hand hurt too much to worry about him. In future, I really needed to find a man with a softer head.

I immediately felt a little bad for dismissing Seth so quickly: he had disobeyed Jacob and stood between the two of us in order to protect me. Even if I really didn't need protecting.

I sighed and looked up again. He looked tense. Why in the world would he be tense? He was walking into a house full of his sworn blood enemies – why would he possibly feel any anxiety at all?

"Have a seat," I finally said. "They don't bite."

"She does," Jasper quipped, pointing to Alice. "But only if you ask nicely."

"Is that why you have so many scars?" Seth retorted.

There was a tense moment. All eyes locked onto Jasper's deadpan face before Alice began giggling. "I like him, Bella," she proclaimed. "Are either of you hungry? Esme made spaghetti for you, but it got cold while you were verbally castrating your ex. She and Carlisle are running into town for supplies."

"What kind of supplies?" Seth asked from where he was hovering awkwardly near the hall entrance.

"Medical. Bella won't go to the hospital to have her hand set." Jasper answered in explanation as he turned to help Alice.

"What? Why the Hell not?" Seth stomped across the room, pulled a chair out and sat beside me glaring at the side of my head in concern.

"I hate hospitals. And who do you think they'll call when I show up with broken bones after a fight with Jake. Seriously, Seth – how nice do you think Charlie will be as he drags Jacob off to jail?"

"So you lie about it, Bella," he explained as if were the most obvious thing in the world.

"And what, say I… I got into a bar fight? I don't need all the gossipy people in the hospital knowing I hurt myself doing, at best, something really stupid. They'll talk about it for weeks, and I just don't need that right now."

"I hate it when you're right," he sulked.

"I'll be fine. You act like I've never broken a bone before."

The microwave beeped and Alice appeared with plates of food. Seth sniffed the pasta warily before he dug in, but if there was one thing in the world that would endear Alice to Seth, it was food. He cleaned his plate and then mine.

"Esme thought you would be hungry when we got home. She's getting a little better with the portions I think. Only enough for two people this time. Well, one person and a werewolf."

Seth completely missed the comment as he ate "You can't even cook this good, Bella!" he squeaked out around mouthfuls.

Wonderful, now not only was I a whore, but I couldn't cook either.

"Bella…" Jasper sighed almost wearily. "Could I please…" he gestured vaguely.

My recurrent surges of self-loathing and rage must have been effecting him. "Whatever."I slumped down again with my head on the table again. A moment later a warm calm washed over me. The edge disappeared from my anger. It was still there, I was still aware of it, but it no longer overwhelmed my every thought.

"Better?" he asked, a vague hint of relief in his voice.

"Not particularly," I obstinately answered back. I turned back toward Seth. "Are you in any trouble with the pack?"

Seth's head spun back toward me. Alice's appearance with cupcakes had thoroughly distracted him. "What? Why would I be?"

"You disobeyed Jacob's command."

"Well yeah, but Sam's command cancels anything Jake says, and Sam told me to make sure Jacob didn't do anything he would hate himself for in the morning – I mean, he bitched at me for not stopping him before that last comment." He grumbled. "But he told me to make sure Jake didn't _do_ anything! He never told me to shut him up." He gestured pointedly with the cupcake in his hand as he tried to defend his position.

"Yeah, because that wouldn't have been helpful at all…" I sighed. "They must all hate me after all the things I said."

"Actually" – he lounged in his chair – "since there wasn't a fight or anything, they pretty much think it was… entertaining. Jacob has got to be so mad seeing what everyone is thinking."

I noticed the look on Alice's face. "The wolves are all… mentally linked when they're phased," I explained.

"Interesting…" She seemed thoughtful. Maybe she was wondering, as I was beginning to, if that had something to do with her inability to see them in her visions.

"It blows," Seth told her. "_You_ try having a conversation with your sister when your she knows what you fantasize about when you're all alone at night. Or seeing what your step-brother-in-law is thinking about your sister. There are no secrets. It's not like you didn't say – I mean, we all knew about your… issues."

"You tried to have children?" Alice was focusing on me again.

I knew I would have to do this eventually. "Yes. We tried – have _been_ trying. It didn't happen. Jacob really wanted kids so we went to some doctors – they couldn't find anything wrong with me or him. Jacob blamed Edward of course: he said that sleeping with him must have messed me up."

"But you never slept with Edward."

Seth was surprised at that. "You didn't? But we all thought…"

"I know. Everyone assumed. You all thought that was why I was so upset when he left. That it was because he was my first, or because I was pregnant and he left me or something, that I… broke down. I know Charlie had the doctors run the blood tests back then… No one ever bothered to ask me. And it was easier just letting people think that. Sleeping with my boyfriend didn't make me a bad person, and it made being sad… more _okay_, I guess." I sighed. "Anyway, after Jake and I both tested healthy the doctors tried drugs for awhile. Those didn't work either so they told us to take a rest – they said maybe we were just trying too hard."

"Why not adopt?" Jasper took a seat beside Alice. It was so hard talking about all this conception stuff with a couple that, even though they would be great parents, never could be. Even thinking about Carlisle and Esme, it just made me sad.

"An adopted kid wouldn't have the wolf genes," Seth answered for me.

They both nodded in understanding.

"I always thought it was just another sign that he didn't actually imprint." I said.

"So did the rest of us." Seth looked down. A moment later his head lifted back up quickly. He snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah, there is one good thing. I think Leah might actually like you now."

"I doubt that seriously."

"Oh, no. You just said what she has been thinking at him for _years_. The alpha thing – she's been giving Jacob shit about it for… well, since the beginning, really."

"That's just because she still wants to see Sam hurt."

"Yeah. But only partially. Taking orders from Sam just feels… wrong. Following Jake, even though he's second to Sam, just feels… I don't know how to describe it… better, maybe."

"What do you mean?" Jasper was studying him.

"Jacob is Ephraim Black's grandson," Seth began. "The last time the pack… _ran_, he was the chief, the pack alpha. Since Jake is his direct descendant, _he_ should be the alpha. But… Sam was the first of us to change. He…well, he took the lead because Jacob couldn't. Then when Jake changed… it's hard, at the beginning, to control everything, but… from the beginning he had more control than Sam."

"How so?"

"In the beginning… Sam got upset…"

The pack's dirty little secret. I hated to think about Emily that way but, over the years, I began to see that that was how a lot of them saw her. A lie that must be told, a cautionary tale.

"He phased, nearly killed his fiancé. They told the police and doctors she was out in the woods and a bear got her. She'll always have the scars. But Jake never lost control with you…" He turned to me. "And you did try damn hard to piss him off."

I couldn't help but smile a bit at the memories. Those days when I was coming out of my stupor were so clear in my mind even now.

Seth shook his head. "We all know Sam isn't supposed to be in charge. Like I said, Jake's orders just feel right – like he's _supposed_ to be giving them."

"Which he is." Jasper leaned back in his chair, processing this information.

"But he won't accept it. I don't know why – none of us do."

Of course Seth was leaving out a lot of technical details. He gave me a sideways glance acknowledging that he was thinking the same thing I was. Sam's power had come from a fluke – a quirk of being older than everyone else, and, some of them thought, the only gift his bastard father and naive mother had given him. If Jacob took his place as he should, Seth would be the beta. Sam was supposed to be no one. The beta was meant to be the Alpha's most trusted pack member, and everyone knew for Jake that would never be Sam. Even if Seth had to fight Sam for the position, everyone knew Seth would win.

Beside me, Seth tensed suddenly.

"They're back." Alice announced as she swept out of the room toward the foyer; Esme and Carlisle followed her back in, a moment later. Within a few moments, Carlisle was carefully examining my injured hand. The ice had left it vaguely numb, though the manipulation was decidedly uncomfortable.

"You have 6 broken bones, Bella." He regarded me. "The 4 broken metacarpals are clean breaks but they're displaced. I really wish you would go to the hospital."

"Can't you fix it here? You were always able to patch me up before." I was becoming a little irrationally terrified of the idea of walking into that antiseptic viper's nest in town.

Carlisle sighed. "I am able to set your hand, Bella – that's not the issue. I would simply feel much more comfortable being able to actually see the x-ray of the breaks. And… the supplies here are somewhat limited."

Seth was at my other side glaring at me in what I could only interpret as agreement.

"If there is no other option, fine. But I really, really don't want to."

He sighed again and went back to his bag on the counter. "I can set them and put your hand in a cast. This is going to hurt, though." He handed me two pills – I quickly swallowed them down with the water Esme had suddenly provided. He pulled out a syringe and pulled a dose of something from a phial.

"What is that?" Seth shifted from the semi-comfortable mood he had seemed to be in moments before to outright suspicion. I felt him move closer to me.

"It's morphine. It will make this easier on her."

"The pills?"

"Anti-inflammatories."

"At least I'm not bleeding." I supplied, trying to break the tension and distract them.

The assembled vampires rolled their eyes and went about preparing to bandage my hand. I looked away as Carlisle moved the needle closer to my arm. There was a tiny poke when I was injected and I simply sat and waited for the while the medication took effect. The passage of time became fuzzy as the pain killers began their work in my body. When the doctor settled back in front of me, my entire world seemed fluffy and soft.

"Jasper," Carlisle called him over. "Get behind Bella and hold her wrist."

"Oh, hang on. What are you doing?" Seth interrupted.

"I need him to hold her still while I manipulate the bones back into place."

"I'll do it."

"Seth, you are her brother. This is going to be very painful for her. I need someone who can keep her still."

"You think I can't handle that?" his voice had an insulted tone.

Carlisle shook his head. "I think you love her and, even subconsciously, can't be involved in a procedure that will cause her pain. Even when you know it's something that must be done. Do you really think you can hold her down?"

"Yes, I do." He stared into the doctor's eyes fiercely.

"One try. One. If you let her move at all Jasper takes your place. Reach around her and grasp her wrist with both hands." Seth moved closer did as he was told. "Just like that. Do not let her arm move." The doctor's attention turned back toward me. "This will still hurt, Bella, quite a lot, I'm afraid." he warned. I noticed the slight nod of preparation to Seth and a moment later I cried out in pain as the first bone was pulled back into alignment.

The pain skewed the passage of time as the subsequent bones were manipulated. Finally, I slumped back against Seth, my breath coming in heavy pants as the overwhelming, shooting pains settled in to a constant ache in the background of my now fuzzy world.

Sleep began to take hold of me. There was a vague awareness of my hand being bandaged. In my next moment of consciousness I was being carried across my bedroom and placed in bed, then the world disappeared.

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